Save November

I went into the grocery store a few days before Halloween. In the middle of the aisle they had Halloween candy already on sale. Pile A candy. It's almost as cliché to complain about the early arrival of Christmas in stores as the early arrival of Christmas in stores. Except I will never get tired of those who complain about it. It's no wonder that by the time December actually comes, you can't swing a dead Christmas tree without hitting a panicky Fox News correspondent convinced someone's trying to destroy Christmas (Some blonde lady on Fox: He lives in the White House hint). If there was a war on Christmas, everyone would take up arms against it. If you really want to save Christmas, don't make every consumer celebrate it for 10 weeks. I am fine with Happy Holidays. I prefer that greeting in stores and out, because December contains more than one. And so does poor little, ignored November.

Since I have a November birthday, I feel attached to what I've thought of for the past two decades as "my month." I used to list out the holidays for each month, so I decided to revive the tradition for November. These are the holidays we'll be collectively ignoring for a month, because every radio station and convenience store decided it's time for Mannheim Steamroller on an endless loop. There is a war on November holidays and I am here to defend them, no matter how dumb they might be or how grim a reminder they are of our awful history toward Native Americans. The two sources I used listed two separate days as National Cleaning Your Refrigerator Day, but that's the kind of holiday you should celebrate more than once. Around Nov. 21, it gets a little weird.

November 1st - All Saint's Day, National Author's Day, National Family Literacy Day

November 2nd - Cookie Monster's Birthday, U.S.A. Election Day, National Deviled Egg Day, Look for Circles Day

November 3rd - Sandwich Day, Housewife's Day

November 4th - National Candy Day, King Tut Day

November 5th - Guy Fawkes Day, Doughnut Appreciation Day

November 6th - Basketball Day, Book Lover's Day, Saxophone Day, Carl Sagan Day

November 7th - Hug a Bear Day, Magazine Day, Bittersweet Chocolate with Almonds Day

November 8th - X-Ray Day, National Bookstore Day

November 9th - Parade Day (I checked, unfortunately it does not seem to mean Parade Magazine day)

November 10th - Forget-Me-Not Day

November 11th - Remembrance Day, Veteran's Day, Corduroy Appreciation Day

November 12th - Elizabeth Cady Stanton Day

November 13th - National Indian Pudding Day, Sadie Hawkins Day, World Kindness Day

November 14th - National Clean Out Your Refrigerator Day, Operating Room Nurse Day, National Reading Eduction Assistance Dogs Day

November 15th - America Recycles Day, Pack Your Mom Lunch Day (huh?), Clean Your Refrigerator Day, National Philanthropy Day

November 16th - Button Day

November 17th - Homemade Bread Day, National Young Reader's Day, Take A Hike Day, Have  Party with your Bear Day, World Peace Day, Electronic Greeting Card Day

November 18th - Occult Day, William Tell Day

November 19th - Gettysburg Address Day, Have a Bad Day Day

November 20th - Mexican Revolution Day, Absurdity Day, Beautiful Day, National Adoption Day, Universal Children's Day

November 21st - World Hello Day, False Confession Day

November 22nd - Stop the Violence Day

November 23rd - National Cashew Day, Go for a Ride Day

November 24th - Zachary Taylor's Birthday, Zachary Taylor Day

November 25th - Thanksgiving Day, National Parfait Day

November 26th - National Cake Day, Black Friday, Buy Nothing Day, Shopping Reminder Day, National Day of Listening

November 27th - Pins and Needles Day

November 28th - Make Your Own Head Day, Red Planet Day, Emily Elisabeth Day

November 29th - Square Dance Day

November 30th - Stay At Home Because You're Well Day, My Mom's Birthday

Great and not so great holidays and birthdays of awesome people, all. Even if November only had a few holidays, it deserves better than some pity Fall leaf wreath decorations, discount pumpkin candles and slightly creepy songs about harvest time. So I say, down with the Red and Green! Join me, my some Scorpios and some Sagittarius brothers and sisters. Let us scoff at the too soon dancing and rapping Santas piled high at the grocery store. Let us ignore aisles of mediocre holiday candy and put our fingers in our ears when every store we're in plays A Few of My Favorite Things. Now is the dawn of our Sweater Weather Revolution. Together, we will bring down the Chrismahanukwanzakah empire or at least tell it to chill for a few weeks. We are Autumn, hear us roar. TURKEY DINNER, TURKEY DINNER, PUMPKIN PIE, THREE MILES HIGH.